I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
