if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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