U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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