Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
