I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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