how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
