im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Small penises have feelings too.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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