i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
