He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
no you cant smoke seaweed
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
