In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Congratulations! We have a period
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
