ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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