she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
