WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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