i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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