Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
