that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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