you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
