Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
