Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
lets start a swedish sibling band together
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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