That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
