I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
