My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
