am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
