Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
