someone get that fucking seahorse.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
