Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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