My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We need a shit load of segways right now
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
