i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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