just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
