i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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