not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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