fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
