I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
