If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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