my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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