you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
