I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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