I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
