Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
