I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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