My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
