Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
