I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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