I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
