You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
