yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
