I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You ruined the universe
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
