So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
