its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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