I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
