I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
